A year ago I packed up my apartment and my dog and relocated to Providence, Rhode Island to open a new property for Brown University Medical and Graduate students. This was around the same time that I posted my last blog post to the public. In the interim, I have written posts, deleted them and have several just waiting to be released. When I tell you that everyone loves the idea of creating and kicking off a blog, but many have no clue how much you must continuously put in the work creating the content and making the edits etc. Maintaining a full time career that requires your undivided attention, relocation and sacrifice and overseeing a blog is not for the faint of heart. It’s safe to say that writing definitely took second place to my move to Rhode Island. Blogging in general has taken a backseat to my career and life itself, but I woke up this morning in reflection and had a strong desire to get these things out into the atmosphere, and share these thoughts with whomever may need to read them on today.
I could take the easy way out today, and go back and publish a post I wrote months ago, but it wouldn’t be an accurate depiction of where I am today. Before we can get into the woman I am today, we need to address what has been happening over the last year. . . .
Who writes honest blog posts anymore? I do. I have to. This blog isn’t for boasting. It’s for healing. And for my own healing it’s time to be perfectly honest. My heart was so broken for much of the beginning first half of 2019. Although I had taken on a new adventure in Providence and the New Year was on and poppin, I went through, multiple losses, and it just felt like everything was caving in on me. I felt like everything was falling apart in my personal life. I had lost control and it was all too much.
December 2018: My grandfather died, on my birthday. Geesh. I had just arrived in Rhode Island, and was still living in my hotel room prior to moving into my apartment. I was so depressed and lonely spending my birthday alone in a new city. When I found out later that afternoon that Jerry Carter Sr. had passed, I literally spent my birthday drinking and crying. This situation was tricky emotionally in so many ways because of the family ties. He gave me my last name, but I really did not have a relationship with him due to the strain within him and my father’s relationship. This loss hurt me differently because it was on my birthday. It was also yet another reminder of how dysfunctional my biological father’s family can be and has been in the past.
December 2018: I took a final stand for myself and refused to be a casualty of confusion for a person who meant the world to me. I can’t even begin to go into details about that relationship because it began in 2002, and as you can imagine the relationship evolved and shifted like most do overtime. HOWEVER the significance of this ending was for me to remember/accept a few things. I hope these lessons help you today:
1. Everyone who claims to be for you, is not for you.
2. Those who truly love you will never string you along, and those who string you along do not truly love you.
3. Real friendship is shown in taking accountability for the things that our friends express hurt them, apologizing for the hurt, and then changing the behavior going forward.
4. When someone shows you who they are believe them, the first time and RUN LIKE HELL!
5. If they cannot answer your genuine questions about who they are, to aid in the development of trust, understanding and awareness in your relationship, they simply don’t want to, and that is the choice that they are making instead of choosing to grow the relationship, and no one deserves to deal with that.
The ending of that relationship really really really really took me OUT! I couldn’t understand how someone who I thought had my back until the ends of the earth could operate in such a vast amount of deception, manipulation and lies. I had no idea it would take me most of 2019 to really heal from that.
April 2019: My grandmother Gloria died. The matriarch of my father’s side was laid to rest. I drove home to Ohio from Rhode Island and back to celebrate her life. The funeral would not be complete without family drama, fighting and disappointment. Safe to say I was extremely happy to get back to Rhode Island after that.
May 2019: My property failed to prelease to 100%. My assignments become my life’s work because of the nature of uprooting my life for each of them. The buildings become my children. I watch the buildings go from construction to move in ready. Failing to lease the property up at Brown was one of the biggest failures of my career. All of my assigned properties had been preleased to a minimum of 90% or so prior, so this was a huge loss for me professionally and definitely had me doubting my talent, my career and my future.
While this is a summary of events, not the full inclusive list of events of my life over the last 12 months it will suffice for today’s reflection lol. Fast forward to today…
Today, the crisp Georgia air and beautiful orange and red leaved trees remind me of how much the world around me is ever changing and transitioning. Time continues to roll on and we are to continue to roll on and grow with time. None of us was created to be stagnate. Even when things happen to us that cause us to literally weep in sorrow, we all have the opportunity to receive the joy that comes in the morning. We have the opportunity to evolve, become and change our minds about how things are going to go as we journey forward and leave our graves behind. How do we change our minds in the midst of everyday life, jobs, and loved ones? I have found that when I am still, God reveals. I have found that when I am quiet, God has the room and silence to speak clearly. I have found that when I am broken and choose to surrender, God has the room to hide me in his arms and carry me through to the next season. The mind changing moments happen when we allow them to organically.
I had a mind changing moment on my flight on the way to Georgia. One of my all-time favorite worship songs came on my travel playlist. Some of you may know it. If not, please do yourself favor and mediate on the lyrics and let the vibes resonate in your soul today.
“God of salvation You chased down my heart Through all of my failure and pride… And as You speak A hundred billion failures disappear Where You lost Your life so I could find it here If You left the grave behind You so will I I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done Every part designed in a work of art called love If You gladly chose surrender so will I”
I am so grateful that God continues to chase down my wretched heart that turns its back on him day after day. God speaks and my failures disappear. God has engraved his love and his work in everything, and in every moment over the last year. Had I not gone through loss, the relocation to RI, the break ups, the failure at work, the deaths of loved ones and the relocation to IL, I would not be in a place to share this with you. I would not be in a place to be able to genuinely tell you without a shout of a doubt that you are worthy of leaving your grave behind.
So, now friends it’s the day after Thanksgiving. Many of us had the pleasure of being surrounded by family food and friends. But what happens when the holiday season is over? Who are you when you leave family dinner and go home and put yourself to bed at night? If you should find yourself feeling low tonight or in the future, remember these lessons. . .
You are worthy of the patience you must give to your heart, your mind, your spirit and your body. You are worthy of the alone time to restore, reboot and refresh. You are worthy of true friendship. You are worthy of consistency, follow through and act right. You can go through it feeling broken and come out on the other side whole. You can face it, you can make it and you can be it. There is nothing more precious than you, and what you give back to this world. When you find yourself overwhelmed, alone and feeling unloved, remember that God has given you everything you need to change your mind and leave your grave behind. You will be better in 2020 and you are capable of greatness. Anyone who may tell you different is a reflection of the self-doubt within you that is trying to keep you in your grave. Don’t waste another minute in the grave that isn’t even meant for you yet. Keep getting up and choosing to live each day. Getting up each day and choosing to leave your grave behind is another step closer to the self-actualization that each of us so desperately wants. Even though it’s been a year, I feel like I never left. I started this blog on my birthday December 2nd 2016. December 2nd is just a few short days away and for my birthday this year all I want is for each of you to continue to give yourself the love you deserve first. Join me on another trip around the sun.
Thanks for reading!