To the Utica Avenue train station, you will forever have a special place in my heart. I walked down your steps, and my lips curled. I'm a 33-year-old grown woman, but I haven't felt those flapping butterflies in my stomach in a long time, as I did when I began heading down your steps to take a solo adventure to Harlem on the train. 17 stops, a 1 hour and 30 minute ride. I had my playlist to hype me and my audacity to see the mission through.
It wasn't my first time visiting New York City. I remember pulling up Canal Street with my family in 2002 as a 12-year-old girl in amazement, shock, and complete terror. I vividly remember buying my beloved fake Louis Vuitton purse and using my spending money I had earned and saved all summer from my mom and baby; you could not tell me a thing.
I wouldn't return to New York again until 2018. That was the year I began visiting friends who lived in Bedstuy randomly on a weekend here or there. I lived in Providence, Rhode Island, at the time, and the 3-hour trip to Brooklyn was a no-brainer to make. I am incredibly grateful for those weekends and God's intentionality in my life even then to ensure I had a community. Living alone in random states throughout the country was a breeze by this point. Still, the constant uprooting and recreating community each relocation for work was exhausting, to say the least. I look back to those trips to New York in 2018 and 2019 with immense joy. I will not forget them, and I am so grateful to the community I had at that time, which welcomed me into their home each visit.
Fast-forward to 2024. This trip was totally different. I only had planned experiences at the Brooklyn Museum, catching up with friends I had not seen in far too long and attending a Connected Cities NYC event hosted by The Gathering Spot.
I truly needed this trip to New York to give me inspiration to take back home to Atlanta with me. I'm in the process of building so many things that I cannot wait to share. But when you have your head down and are in the hustle mode, you need a change of scenery.
I woke up that stormy morning and decided I was a professional at riding the train and that I knew exactly what I was doing. I made it my mission to head to "I Like It Black," a black-owned coffee shop in Harlem that I had wanted to visit for years. No one would stop me from getting there, not even myself.
I did not know that I was quite wrong and completely right at the same time.
If you've used public transportation before, you may be well-versed in the nuances of Google Maps.
Just humor me here.
This post is worth the read.
You may know that Google Maps will give you all of the details that you need regarding the next train, the expected stops, delays, etc. Google Map's live view feature was my legit tour guide and I am forever indebted to the platform.
HOWEVER, once I got myself on the A train, found a seat and began my ride, the stops on the Google Maps app were not aligning with the stops that the train was making. So, you know, the panic starts to set in.
Racing thoughts fueling doubt and lies began to infiltrate my mind like;
"Did I get on the wrong train?"
"What the heck is this stop, and why isn't it on my list of 17 stops?!?"
"Okay, I see white people, I must be safe, wait… Am I?"
"Is this the station where that man was just shot?"
"Am I going to get shot?"
"Am I going to look like a complete idiot if I ask a random New Yorker to help me?"
LMFAO
When I tell you I was going through it, love, I was going through it.
This was all because the destination that I had in mind and the stops I planned to take to get there did not align with what I was seeing in my reality.
Honey, the racing thoughts were in sport mode, and the baby panic became a full-blown toddler in my chest and gut! I started watching the names of the stops like a freaking hawk. Continuing questions about why the stops were not aligning.
"That's it! I am getting off at the next stop, finding the first business I can, and going to Uber to this coffee shop!"
I had reasoned with myself that I had failed and that I was a complete idiot to think that I could ride the train by myself into Harlem.
The annoying melody started playing in my head, "If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere…"
I thought again, "Thanks, New York, for confirming I ain't make it here with these mismatched @$$ stops." LOL
I mean, honey, I was losing it.
When I was about to get off the train at the next stop, I thought, "What if I get out at this random station and it's in the middle of a dangerous area? Won't I be worse off than sitting on this messed-up train ride?"
And just then, at that moment, I saw the Hoyt - Schermerhorn Station! I stayed put.
The next stop came, and it matched.
I stayed put.
Subsequently, the remaining stops on my Google Maps list started showing up, too. After a significant sigh of relief, I was still confused. All I could keep thinking to myself was, "WTF?!?! Why am I still seeing the right and wrong stops on this ride?"
Instead of feeding into my panic further, I chose to see it through and ride it out—literally.
When we take risks in this life, try new things, or make new commitments, and things don't appear how we thought or planned, our little human mind begins to operate in fear and anxiety.
I know that my anxious thoughts had previously given me a run for my money before therapy and mindful practices. During this train ride, it was evident that I had come a long way, but I still had a minuscule pattern that needed addressing—the pattern of jumping ship when things didn't turn out as planned.
Does this sound familiar? Is it resonating? My love, you beautiful, remarkable being you, the army of infiltrating thoughts can be stopped in its tracks. You hold the power to set a boundary, and your boundary can be not allowing your thoughts to get in the way of seeing the mission through.
We have to get out of our own way to see it through.
Here are my recommendations for getting out of your own way:
1.Do it Scared! Jumping ship and avoiding your commitments looks alluring when you're afraid. But fear is not accurate. This is one of my favorite quotes - "It is the product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me; danger is genuine, but fear is a choice."
Will Smith - After Earth
So, if we choose fear, it will be complicated to get out of our own way, you see? Do it scared, babe; don't choose fear.
2.Please stand ten-toes-down in the mission, honor our commitments, complete the goal, and come what may: This choice becomes a way of life. Here's the thing about maturity. Maturity is accepting that you made a commitment and deciding that you're the type of human who honors your commitments. Maturity also means learning to discern the facts about your situation before making choices and creating commitments. As a result of this, completing the mission becomes more manageable. Let’s determine our options before making a choice or creating a commitment. If not, we may end up causing damage not only to ourselves but to others that are collateral damage to our inability to discern our options, make a choice, honor our commitments, come what may. Here's the caveat: The come-what-may part doesn't mean you endure abuse and mistreatment. It means that you take responsibility and do your part to complete the mission in alignment with your choice.
3.Take a Minute to Strategize: You'll notice that I employed mindfulness alongside the intrusive thoughts of fear. I was fearful; the thoughts of running off the train to grab an Uber were REAL, but the strategic approach was to sit down and take a minute. When we take a minute to strategize, the solution reveals itself in most cases. It makes it very hard to take a beat when we are up in arms, operating in fear, or ready to jump ship. I've practiced taking a minute by acknowledging that I deserve that minute and am not weak by giving myself a minute of grace to strategize my next move.
With all of that said, I'll let you know that I made it to my destination.
And did!
Yep Purrrr!
My best friend met me at the coffee shop in Harlem shortly after that. I explained the entire experience to him, only for him to educate me on what happened by simply stating,
"Oh yeah, the train was running locally today, and Google Maps didn't show that on your list of stops."
REALLY? Do you mean to tell me that I panicked for nothing and that the train had additional stops?
My love, THIS, this is precisely why we cannot abandon the mission when shit gets challenging, weird, scary, and quite frankly, when it may appear as if things aren't meant to be. How do you know something isn't meant to be if you haven’t taken the time to discern your options, honor your commitments, do it scared, and strategize?
The reality is that things will shift in our lives.
Sometimes, things will go differently than planned.
Things may be ruined.
Things will change and evolve.
And guess what? Things will always work out, too.
God will reposition you for his glory.
God will keep you during the mission and may add a few stops you did not account for or plan for.
Sometimes, opportunities or “train stops” show up in our lives that appear to be safe ways out or easy exits from the commitments we made.
Picture this: You hop off of the train too soon due to your doubt and fear in the mission God has placed on your life. As a result of your choice, you may have an experience at that stop that wasn't initially meant for you. This is why we should stay on the train that we know is headed for the end destination that we need.
When your journey begins to scare you, I want to challenge you to employ these practices in this post. When you need encouragement and fuel, I want you to return here, reread this, forgive yourself for doubting your abilities, and get back on the “train”.
Share your mindfulness practices in the comments below. Like this post and share with someone who may need the encouragement.
Until next month, I love you.
Kasai Marie